Who Am I?

Born in Wisconsin, came out here when I was 8.  Became a Christian to earn my mother’s approval & love.   Was a Christian for over 30 years, etc. etc. And no, it never really made sense to me.  To list all the reasons why would take all day.

Found out about 5 years ago that the one parent who raised me (my dad died when I was six), has paranoid schizophrenia.  This helps me understand the person I looked up to and worked to try to please my whole life, only to fail all my life.

A lot of what I was taught or led to believe about myself and the world have been lies, or in some way, false.  I am in the process of trying to cut the things from my life that don’t make sense, that I have either been afraid to question or have questioned but quickly gave up as being just too mysterious for a human mind to comprehend.  Yes, all that trusting in God and blindly follow stuff.

I am a born again Atheist.  I call myself that because I unfortunately retain the habits I had as a Christian and what do Christians do?  They witness.  Or they speak out for what they believe in, and they do so freely, without really any concern for the other person they mind offend.  They think nothing of telling people they’re sinners, that they’re going to hell if they don’t believe in the right things, etc., etc.  So I tend to now, still, as an atheist, speak out a bit too forcefully sometimes and step on toes.  Of course this is rude, but it is how I have been all my life, when I was a “born-again” Christian.

I do think questioning and challenging unfairness or what I perceive as lies, is not ineffective or pointless, and in fact I believe the only way to save our species from itself is to uncover the very falsehoods that have trashed our self-esteems so much, degraded our society so much.

In addition to this, I love animals, I believe preserving and protecting our environment and the natural world should be our first priority, not our last.  And I believe in human rights.  I feel there isn’t enough love in the world and that love is always good.  Love in all its forms.  So I do believe gays should be able to marry.  I believe best friends should be able to hold hands in public if they want to, be they men or women, and not worry about being judged.  And I believe in privacy, that everyone, including celebrities, have the basic right to it, and that the media’s life damaging (in Michael Jackson’s case, ending) practice of sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong, should be protested, and abolished. Yes, there should be freedom of speech.  But not when its purpose is to cause damage or harm to another person.

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16 comments on “Who Am I?

  1. Appreciate your comment about being a born again atheist. We need more folks like you to help those of us who want to move from belief to non-belief (as I have recently).

      • In some ways, my ‘deconversion’ wasn’t as hard as it could have been. There were the big bumps on the road to non-faith that all must be jarred with. Since I went about it so slowly, over the course of years, when the decision was fully realized, the most pain I had to endure was the pulling away from a family I had loved for years. To this day, I’ll get the courteous light chat, but can’t go any farther. I even asked one to officiate at my non-state approved ceremony, and he refused, not because I had been married before, but because she had. I doubt he realizes that he is so sexually biased.

        Anyways, like Dee, I too am there to pull anyone out of the waters of doubt should they be willing to grab my hand. 😉

      • Thanks, Myrthryn. And hugs to you.

        I made this vid on Youtube last night–partly inspired by what you wrote, and partly in response to a Christian writing me telling me I should be ashamed of being so “proud and boastful.”

      • It’s nice to hear that I at least half-way inspired someone to do something. 😉 I appreciate it. Speaking of alienation, you might like my recent post “How to Dishonor a Hero.” It concerns Thomas Paine his life, and death.

      • Myrthryn, sorry to hear your deconversion resulted in such…consequences for you. I haven’t lost family, just friends. A lot of friends. 😦

      • Actually my best friend is a christian, a rather understanding one. Of course that means we’ve had conversations, but they’ve always been on the level. That makes all the difference.
        On a funnier note, whenever I hear someone say, “Oh Lord”, or some such, I always make the point of replying, “Yes?” hehe

      • What’s funnier is that about half the time, they wonder what I’m replying to, because they don’t even realize they’ve said it. I’ve gotten lots of “No, No”s, but noone has been seriously offended by it…they consider me the fool. Name’s Zane by the way, Lord of One. hehe

      • My de-conversion is still not complete, for I will need to leave Church before it is. For me, it is harder to give up the idea of being in a Church on Sunday than it is to give up faith in God, or any idea of afterlife. I also need to say that “I am an atheist”, instead of saying “I am an unbeliever”.

      • Atkegar, you should Google “The Clergy Project” and check it out. Imagine pastors or reverends or missionaries or evangelists having the same problem–and still having to do their jobs until they can figure themselves out or…learn new job skills? You are not alone. Another recommendation: “Losing Faith in Faith” by Dan Barker, former pastor for 19 years. Very inspiring.

        I think for everyone it is a natural progression that just happens. Once the door is open to logic and reason it’s really hard to shut it again. But only you will know when the time is right for each little step toward thinking a different way. Enjoy church, while you can. When you can’t anymore…maybe by then you’ll have found something else that meets that need. There might be some “Meet Up” groups in your area for people just like you to hang out together and share experiences. There is community and support outside of church buildings. It’s just you have to find it! 🙂

  2. Thanks for the reply. I have been to “The Clergy Project”, and while it is hard emotionally for us in the pews, it must be harder when one can be effected financially. I am actually very close to making the break. I will, at least for awhile, attend the local UU, where I know, from having been there some in the past, that I could get what is “good” for me (the fellowship), without the bad (the god stuff, even from mainline Churches). Again, thanks for the help, and advise.

    • You bet. Not so sure I gave you advice. Just stuff that seemed to help me. I was guilt ridden that I couldn’t believe anymore. For me it was, for awhile, yet another proof I was weak or unworthy. It really helps me to know there are some who were truly strong in faith who lost their ability to blindly believe anymore.

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