The whole being saved thing was my ticket to heaven, my guarantee I’d see my dad again because I knew he was in heaven. No other place could hold a man so wonderful as he. So people who come at me now and act like atheism came easily to me, like it didn’t involve a huge inner battle and over a year of resistance on my part, have no clue what a blow it was to my heart when I came to realize all the things I had hoped were true, even despite how so many of them didn’t make sense, were in fact not true.
True or not true, that’s not the point of this note. The point is, it was a hard thing for me. I grieved my loss. I went for a time pretending I still believed. I went for a time in denial. Because letting go of my belief in such things as God and heaven, meant letting go my hope that had pulled me through the darkest years of my life, that “I’ll see him again.”
My dad’s absence made my love for him grow and grow. He became super dad in my heart, that perfect shining example of fatherhood. I even remembered his spanking me once with a smile.
So that’s what losing religion took from me, and no it was not an easy thing walking away from what I had believed for so long.
I am an atheist, but an open minded one. I am pretty sure I saw my cat Tika in two dreams after she passed away. I had a very vivid dream of her brother Raistlin after he passed away. I think if there is something after death, it might be more like what “What Dreams May Come” portrays it as…or maybe not. I don’t think there’d be any god in charge running things. I think the whole notion of a king or fearless leader running the kingdom is a very human one–more evidence the religion is human contrived.
If there’s something I’m betting it’s nothing remotely like anything anyone’s imagined. I think most likely I will cease to exist when I die, and that doesn’t trouble me. As a very clever and creative friend once said, I didn’t mind not existing the millions of years before I was born, either.